Protect the Bond that Outlasts Everything: Standing Beside, Not Between

When I think about the month of February, I naturally think about love and relationships. Through my Foster Kid Fierce lens, that always brings me back to relationships with biological families, especially siblings.

I truly cannot stress enough how important this is.

A foster child can enter your life at any point in their relationship with their family. I think of it like a continuum. On one end are kids who are fighting with everything they have to get back to their parents. On the other end are kids who never want to see their family again. Most kids land somewhere in between. You may not know right away where a child falls on that continuum, and here is the key thing to remember. Wherever they are today is not where they will always be.

If you are caring for a child who is desperately trying to get away from you and back to their parents, that can hurt. It can feel personal. Your instinct might be to explain why their parents are not safe or why being apart is for the best right now. Please do not do that. It will not help, and it will damage your relationship with them. They will not trust you.

Instead, meet them where they are. Agree with them. Talk about their parents. Ask what they miss. Ask genuine, caring questions. Encourage them to write a letter or make a card. Tell them you are sure their parents are thinking about them too and missing them just as much. Let them know you are on their side and walking alongside them through this. You are not the enemy. You are their ally. You respect what they want, and you are here to support them through the process.

I know this can be hard to hear, but as much as you care, you are not their family. No matter how loving your intentions are, the chances of you being present in their adult life are slim. And children know this. They usually understand it before they even meet you. You might treat them better than anyone ever has. You might give them incredible experiences. You might truly love them. But you cannot replace their parents, and trying to do so only creates more loss for them.

Even when a child is on the opposite end of the continuum and says they never want to see their family again, you still need to be thoughtful and careful. Supporting the child means supporting their relationship with their family in whatever way feels safe and appropriate to them. This often means moving slowly.

Always speak about their family in a respectful way, even if you have strong feelings of your own. Talk about extended family. Learn names. Make phone calls if appropriate. Ask about grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Invite stories and memories. Write names down. Create a family tree or a small book together. For younger kids, this might look like drawing pictures of family members while you write their names and the memories the child shares.

That book could go with them forever. It might even save their life someday. You are helping expand their sense of support, even if that support is something they will lean on later in life. You never know when they will need it.

Now let’s talk about siblings. I could talk about this all day.

The rule is simple. Always support sibling relationships in every way you possibly can. Work with what you have, and always push for more. If phone calls are allowed, make them happen. If phone calls are not possible yet, encourage letters or notes. Ask what they want to say to their sibling right now. If calls are scheduled weekly, advocate for more contact when possible, and make sure those weekly calls are treated as sacred. Nothing should take priority over them.

Siblings are often the one constant a foster child has. These relationships usually last longer than placements, caregivers, or systems. Helping children learn how to maintain healthy sibling relationships while they are young matters deeply. Without that support, they grow up carrying regret, grief, and resentment that can make those relationships much harder later in life.

There is no situation where sibling relationships should not be encouraged. I want to say that again because it matters. There is no situation where sibling relationships should not be encouraged.

So this February, I invite you to think about love in a broader way. Think about the complicated, messy, deeply human love between foster children and their families. When you help a child feel more confident in their connection to their family, you help them feel more confident in themselves.